she doesn't know what it is like
to stare at her pill bottle
wondering if the contents within will be enough to kill her
wondering how long it'll take, are the pills enough
to kill the thoughts threatening to choke her?
to fall from the highest point and crash to the earth
wondering what went wrong, what caused the fallout
wondering when it will be ok to move again, can she make it
to her feet, or will she fall again?
to hit rock bottom, looking in the mirror and itching to smash it
wondering if there is enough strength left to shatter it
wondering if her fist will break it, will someone notice
the bruises, the scratches, the blood?
to go to school and wake up half way through the day, realizing the fog had taken over again
wondering if the black cloud is decending again
wondering if anybody noticed, do they stare because of her Noh mask,
her tear strained eyes, her twitching shaking hands?
to be able to breath again, to be able to eat a meal again without fault
wondering why she cries, tears on the empty plate
wondering what released her from her torment, was it the sun
the beauty of life, the people standing beside her?
to hurt, to truly hurt inside, feeling as though her skull is caving on her brain
wondering why she cannot be happy like they tell her to be
wondering if it will end, wanting to scream, thinking happy thoughts
will be good enough for life right?
she doesn't know what it is like to hit rock bottom, climbing her way back up to the top with brute strength and the time spanning over years
she doesn't know what it is like to cry over nothing, to feel sick and alone, to clamp her mouth shut over the echoes of screams
she doesn't know what it is like to be me, now does she?